The Spirit World: Infiltrating Bioware – A Help Guide

So, you’ve taken on your spirit form and are now looking at Bioware HQ from across the spirit street.

 

Yep, that sums up my current situation.

 

What are you trying to achieve from this help guide?

 

I’m trying to get to the same floor Stephen Reid is on so I can ask him about the future of SWTOR.

 

What are you wearing?

 

Is that really important?

 

This is your first spirit heist isn’t it?

 

Yep.

 

You need to be wearing appropriate clothing for this or their spirit guards will catch and torture you.

 

I’m wearing a balaclava, t-shirt, jeans and thongs.

 

That sounds about appropriate for someone trying to pull off the “casual and about to rob you” look. However, Thongs?

 

Flipflops, sandals.

 

Sorry, the usual people that ask for my advice are American hippies.

 

Cool.

 

No its not, they argue with me every step of the way and then end up losing their soul because they didn’t follow my advice.

 

Losing their soul?

 

Sorry, did I say soul? I meant spirit …juice.

 

Are we going to start?

 

I was waiting for you.

 

I’ve been ready since I summoned you.

 

Ok, what do you see?

 

I see Bioware HQ and there is something that looks like a furry red Yoda standing around outside.

 

Furry red Yoda?

 

Yea, it looks kinda cute.

 

Furry red Yoda?

 

Yea, its looking at me.

 

Ok, the fury red Yoda must be a guard of some kind. What I suggest you do is walk across the street and inside as though you belong there.

 

It’s still looking at me.

 

Just tell me when you get inside.

 

I’m inside and I’m headed over to the elevator.

 

No, do not use the elevator that’s what they’ll be expecting. Take the stairs.

 

The stairs. But who knows what floor Stephen Reid is on?

 

If you take the elevator I cant be held responsible for what furry red Yoda will do to you.

 

Stairs it is then.

 

Try the top floor.

 

Why the top? I don’t want to walk all the way up there.

 

Think about it, the more floors you try the more suspicious you will seem, so we need to decide where he will most likely be – and because I dont think you would risk your soul juice just to be on the same floor as the janitor he must be important. Important people are on the top floor.

 

Sounds reasonable.

 

Also listen out for people following you.

 

I think I can already hear someone following me.

 

Why didn’t you say something?

 

Because you didn’t ask.

 

That is very childish considering you are the one risking your soul juice.

 

What is soul juice anyway?

 

It’s actually just soul, I didn’t want to scare you considering this is your first foray into the soul world.

 

What could possibly happen to my soul?

 

It’s link to your body could be destroyed, thus trapping you here.

 

Why wouldn’t you tell me that?

 

Um.

 

The footsteps are getting closer.

 

What floor are you at?

 

I’m on the top floor.

 

Go into the room and tell me we found him.

 

Yep I can see him… oh F***, there is some kind of crocodile man standing next to him.

 

What’s it doing?

 

It’s seen me, now it’s walking towards me… it’s got a lightsaber.

 

This ends the infiltrate Bioware via the spirit world help guide.

 

What, you cant leave me like this, what do I do?

 

For more help guides visit…

 

What, I need help now!

 

I would suggest the “Escape from Bioware HQ Via The Spirit World Help Guide”. However in the meantime I would recommend you… RUN

====================
Community involvement: Vote to decide what happens next.

  1.  Option 1) run into the bathroom.
  2.  Option 2) run back to the stairwell.

Voting will close a week after release. Post your vote in comments!

 

An original Ken Clark / TOROZ production

Talking to your kids about Star Wars

The folks over at Asylum have created a brilliant video on the very sensitive topic of when to introduce the concept of Star Wars to your kids. There’s not a lot more to say although a highlight for me is the section on Jar Jar Binks and the Special Edition movies.

A big thanks to Darka on the forums for the link!

What will SWTOR do for your sex drive?

Ok, I was hoping to get at least a hundred stories published on TOROZ before the sex thing crept in. Here’s the latest atrocity World of Warcraft is responsible for:


Warcraft Reduces Sex Drive – Watch more Funny Videos

Based on this, I make the following appeal to BioWare and LucasArts: please explain how SWTOR is going to ensure it doesn’t become the biggest online contraceptive. Will the holy grail of widespread (meaning 50% of active users) female adoption of online gaming be achieved so that fornication between quests is a truly feasible option? Will the soundtrack be wall-to-wall Barry White or a buyout from a defunct porn movie production? Please tell us, literally for the sake of humanity.

A syndrome BioWare needs to avoid

Although SWTOR isn’t strictly a first-person shooter, I thought the following video was important to bring to BioWare’s attention:

The humanity of it all!