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The Spirit World Part 4: Attacking Bioware – A Help Guide

May 29, 2012 by

(This is the final part of a community-driven story – check out Part 1 here, check out Part 2 here, check out Part 3 here)

So, you are crawling through a sewer about to attack Bioware.

Yep that about sums up my current situation.

What are you trying to achieve from this help guide?

Honestly I have no idea. You haven’t been much help so far.

Then why did you summon me?

I’m crawling through a sewer, I want someone to talk to.

You summoned me just to talk? Great. Is my help so under-appreciated?

Please, you give the least helpful advice I have ever heard.

Oh, is that what you think? In that case, I’ll be off.

I summoned you, you need to stay untill I’m are done.

No, I only need to stay until you complete what you told me you were trying to achieve. And this time you set no conditions.

In that case, I am trying to free BioWare from the control of EA and the reapers.

What’s Kendra and her gang doing?

They are going to create a distraction in the street so that nobody interrupts me.

What about furry red yoda?

Apparently he is an informant for the underground resistance.

Underground resistance?

Can we focus on me?

Fine, if you are in the sewers, keep an eye out for pipes leading to Bioware.

What do they look like?

How should I know? You are in a sewer, they don’t exactly label them for your convenience.

Damn it, this feels like where I should move up. I’m cutting a hole with the lightsaber.

Make sure the hole you cut doesn’t fall on you.

It’s cut, I don’t think anyone above saw.

What does it look like?

I think it’s a car park.

Pull yourself up, but try and remain undetected.

I can’t even see anyone in the car park.

It would be wise to go quietly.

I thought my main problem would be smell.

Oh right. In that case I would recommend you just run for it.

And this time I’m taking the elevator.

Again, I’m going to recommend against it.

And what was your excellent logic for that again?

They would be expecting it.

Look, I’m going up there to kick some ass, you can either complain or help me.

Does it seem like I want to help you?

I thought so. Ok, I’m in the elevator. Top floor, same as last time.

Don’t you think it strange that nobody has tried to stop you yet?

Shut up, I need to ready myself.

Ok, two points. First, you have no idea what to ready yourself for and second, now you want me to be quiet, after telling me you only want me here to talk to you…

…Yes…

I’m telling you, those doors open and you are either fucked, or the luckiest person alive.

How lucky do you think I need to be?

The only way you are going to survive is if nobody up here has any idea you are coming and nobody has any weapons.

You think I have that little chance?

Oh no, I think even if that’s exactly what happens, you will still figure out a way of hurting yourself.

Some help you are…

Just tell me when the doors open.

They are opening now.

What’s happening, what do you see?

The floor is entirely deserted apart from someone sitting in a chair on the other side of the room.

Who is it?

I think it’s Stephen Reid.

Told you so.

When? When did you tell me?

Just before.

No you didn’t, the only thing you told me was that I was going to die!

Stop talking to yourself.

No, you stop talking to yourself.

Lame, real lame.

BioWare have fired all their staff who ever fought against EA. I don’t think it was BioWare’s decision, more pressure from EA.

Sucks to be him.

What now?

Now, I’ve been thinking about that. I think the best thing for me would be to join the resistance, help them for a while. You should probably get back to your own life. This world is soon to see war.

But can’t I help?

There is nothing you can do. You can’t fight, you talk to yourself and you smell like a sewer. Your purpose was to keep my lightsaber safe from BioWare so it wouldn’t be destroyed when this day came.

Ask him what happens to BioWare now.

What happens to BioWare now?

Bioware is now but a shadow of its former self. With a decent chunk of the staff joining the resistance, the resistance now knows exactly how they work. There won’t be anything they can do to help EA other than continue to make games.

This concludes “Attack Bioware Via The Spirit World Help Guide”.

Well, here is the lightsaber back.

Thank you.

In order to return to the real world click your heels together three times.

Farewell strange world.

Did everything go as expected?

With the idiot, yes. Everything went mostly as planned.

Is the resistance in place?

Downstairs waiting for you.

You did well guide, I dismiss you.

This concludes the “Joining the EA resistance in the Spirit World, a help guide”.

I said I dismiss you!

An original Ken Clark / TOROZ production

Filed Under: Community, Humour, News Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Spirit World Part 3: Re-Entering Earth’s Atmosphere – A Help Guide.

May 2, 2012 by

(This is Part 3 of an ongoing community-driven story – check out Part 1 here, check out Part 2 here)

So, you are in an escape pod re-entering the earth’s atmosphere and there are warning lights flashing inside.

Actually I got the warning lights to stop by pressing some buttons.

What are you trying to achieve from – wait, what, do you know what you pressed?

No, not really. but they were getting annoying.

I’m not going to call you an idiot, but that was the worst possible thing you could have done.

But you have no idea how annoying they got!

And now you have no idea what the problem was.

The interface kept flashing something up saying navigation error.

Well then, looks like you are going to have to try and land this yourself.

How?

Let’s start with the obvious, what controls do you have.

There are only 5 buttons. The one I pressed to launch. Then one each that says Silent, Yes, No and Pop.

Why would they label a button Pop?

Should I press it?

I have no idea.

What!? You’re meant to be a help guide.

I didn’t say I knew what I was doing. What do the other buttons do?

I pressed Launch to launch, Silent to turn the alarm off, Yes to confirm turning the alarm off, I assume “no” was my other option there. And the ground seems to be coming up rather fast.

Well then, looks like you don’t have a choice.

Ok, I pressed it and a panel popped off revealing another button and a joystick.

Press the button and grab the joystick. Seeing as you have no idea what you are doing, things can’t get much worse.

The button activated some kind of thrusters and when I used the joystick it sent me into a wild spin.

Why are you so incompetent at flying? Try to level out.

That’s harder than it seems, and it looks like I’m going to crash in the middle of a town.

Try and slow your decent.

What, you think I haven’t been trying that. You think I want to be in a wild spin falling towards my death?

Fine, be like that.

The joystick just broke off.

You are one useless pilot, you know that?

What, I’m falling towards my death and you decide to mock my piloting skills even though I’ve never been in one before.

How far away is the street?

I’m about to hit a build – ARGHH…

Hello…?

I hit my head when I collided with the building and now I’m bleeding.

How bad?

It hurts, a lot.

Is the pod still moving?

I.., I can’t tell.

Try and open the door.

I can open it, but not all the way. I think the door is jammed.

Use the lightsaber to cut your way out of the pod.

I think I’m about to throw up.

Focus on my voice, you probably have a concussion. Grab the lightsaber and point it away from yourself.

I just threw up.

Activate the lightsaber and cut a hole big enough to crawl through.

The blade looks like a shining pearl.

Cut a hole. You need to get out.

I’m doing that.

Where did you crash?

I think I crashed in a bar. But I cant be sure, there are two of everything. I may have crashed into a bar for twins.

You need to get somewhere safe. Try and get outside the bar.

My legs don’t work properly.

Fine, stumble towards the door and tell me what you see.

I’m there, it looks like eight Troopers are heading over here.

Those Troopers probably saw you crash and are coming to investigate.

Troops be on the way, and you gots some explaining to do.

Whats happening?

I’ve got ten guns pointed at my head. Who are you, and can you lower the gun?

The name’s Kendra, and you crashed in here all uninvited like. Now, we got the Empire ’bout to crash through that there door and I aint know nothin’ ’bout you.

You cant walk and you have a concussion. You should consider cooperation. It’s your best chance.

I’ve been trying to infiltrate Bioware, but nothing went according to plan. And now it turns out EA is being controlled.

We know – Reapers control EA and they control Bioware.

Now, I’m going to raise an army and attack Bioware.

I dont know you, and I dont trust you. But the way imps are headed this makes my guess the two of you aint so cozy. So, this is the plan. You come with us. We escape. And if we like you. We might just help you, for a price.

Take the deal. It’s everything you need right now.

Deal. Now, how do you plan on escaping? By now this place is surrounded.

We always have a way out, it aint no pleasure cruise.

Please tell me it doesn’t involve sewers.

Please tell me it does involves sewers.

It involves sewers. Before we go, grab a weapon from behind the bar. I dont plan on leavin’ much for the imps.

This concludes “Re-Enter Earth’s Atmosphere In An Escape Pod Via The Spirit World Help Guide”.

Shit.

I am so glad I don’t have to do this. For the next stage I suggest ”Attacking Bioware Via The Spirit World Help Guide”. However, in the meantime I would recommend… a change of clothes.

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Community involvement:

Option 1) Attack Bioware via the sewers

Option 2) Attack Bioware via the street

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Community involvement 2: Pick off-hand weapon

Option 1) Blaster Pistol

Option 2) Sawn-Off Shotgun

Option 3) Other

Option 4) None – Stick with Lightsaber

====================

Voting will close a week after release. Post your vote in comments!

For sneak peaks at the next part join SWTOR Gamers of Oceania

An original Ken Clark / TOROZ production

Filed Under: Community, Humour, News Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Spirit World: Infiltrating Bioware – A Help Guide

April 4, 2012 by

So, you’ve taken on your spirit form and are now looking at Bioware HQ from across the spirit street.

 

Yep, that sums up my current situation.

 

What are you trying to achieve from this help guide?

 

I’m trying to get to the same floor Stephen Reid is on so I can ask him about the future of SWTOR.

 

What are you wearing?

 

Is that really important?

 

This is your first spirit heist isn’t it?

 

Yep.

 

You need to be wearing appropriate clothing for this or their spirit guards will catch and torture you.

 

I’m wearing a balaclava, t-shirt, jeans and thongs.

 

That sounds about appropriate for someone trying to pull off the “casual and about to rob you” look. However, Thongs?

 

Flipflops, sandals.

 

Sorry, the usual people that ask for my advice are American hippies.

 

Cool.

 

No its not, they argue with me every step of the way and then end up losing their soul because they didn’t follow my advice.

 

Losing their soul?

 

Sorry, did I say soul? I meant spirit …juice.

 

Are we going to start?

 

I was waiting for you.

 

I’ve been ready since I summoned you.

 

Ok, what do you see?

 

I see Bioware HQ and there is something that looks like a furry red Yoda standing around outside.

 

Furry red Yoda?

 

Yea, it looks kinda cute.

 

Furry red Yoda?

 

Yea, its looking at me.

 

Ok, the fury red Yoda must be a guard of some kind. What I suggest you do is walk across the street and inside as though you belong there.

 

It’s still looking at me.

 

Just tell me when you get inside.

 

I’m inside and I’m headed over to the elevator.

 

No, do not use the elevator that’s what they’ll be expecting. Take the stairs.

 

The stairs. But who knows what floor Stephen Reid is on?

 

If you take the elevator I cant be held responsible for what furry red Yoda will do to you.

 

Stairs it is then.

 

Try the top floor.

 

Why the top? I don’t want to walk all the way up there.

 

Think about it, the more floors you try the more suspicious you will seem, so we need to decide where he will most likely be – and because I dont think you would risk your soul juice just to be on the same floor as the janitor he must be important. Important people are on the top floor.

 

Sounds reasonable.

 

Also listen out for people following you.

 

I think I can already hear someone following me.

 

Why didn’t you say something?

 

Because you didn’t ask.

 

That is very childish considering you are the one risking your soul juice.

 

What is soul juice anyway?

 

It’s actually just soul, I didn’t want to scare you considering this is your first foray into the soul world.

 

What could possibly happen to my soul?

 

It’s link to your body could be destroyed, thus trapping you here.

 

Why wouldn’t you tell me that?

 

Um.

 

The footsteps are getting closer.

 

What floor are you at?

 

I’m on the top floor.

 

Go into the room and tell me we found him.

 

Yep I can see him… oh F***, there is some kind of crocodile man standing next to him.

 

What’s it doing?

 

It’s seen me, now it’s walking towards me… it’s got a lightsaber.

 

This ends the infiltrate Bioware via the spirit world help guide.

 

What, you cant leave me like this, what do I do?

 

For more help guides visit…

 

What, I need help now!

 

I would suggest the “Escape from Bioware HQ Via The Spirit World Help Guide”. However in the meantime I would recommend you… RUN

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Community involvement: Vote to decide what happens next.

  1.  Option 1) run into the bathroom.
  2.  Option 2) run back to the stairwell.

Voting will close a week after release. Post your vote in comments!

 

An original Ken Clark / TOROZ production

Filed Under: Humour, News Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,